Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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