im about as happy as oj after his trial
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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