I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
