My hand turned me down
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
