did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
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