We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
The best revenge is premature balding
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
