I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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