I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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