I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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