I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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