Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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