He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
