All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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