U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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