Someone shit on the floor
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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