Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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