Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
