it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
