I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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