Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
