My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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