To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
