Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
