Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
