There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
