I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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