Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
