Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
