There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
