i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
