I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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