Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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