Clothes are such an inconvenience.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
