i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
do herpes really smell.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
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Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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