her vagine was all disorganized.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
