on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
