I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
