ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
