saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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