i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
