my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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