just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
