you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
