Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
