Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
