I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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