I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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