This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
