if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
