She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
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I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
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