I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
