Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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