"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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