oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
