I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Randomize
