My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
