answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Randomize
