I wish they made helmets for livers.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
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