dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
