I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
