oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
